The SOLDIER Secretary
by Strange and Intoxicating -rsa
Summary: What would it be like to be the secretary for SOLDIER? Ask Sai. She's been filling up coffee mugs, slipping antidepressants and relaxers into the water, and preventing deaths for years. At least she gets to see her superiors making out on desks. Yaoi
1. Chapter 1

The SOLDIER Secretary

Author Notes: What would it be like to be the secretary for SOLDIER? Ask Sai. She's been filling up coffee mugs, slipping anti-depressants and muscle relaxers into the water, and fixing broken windows for years. They don't pay her enough, really.

This is just a thought I came up with when I got bored with Tenacity. I mean, who wouldn't want to be a secretary? I know that I wouldn't. As per usual, there will be yaoi, but nothing explicit. I have a feeling poor Sai wouldn't be saying anything on it anyway. And no, before you ask, there will be no het. Or OC action. That's lame.

Disclaimer: I, Strange and Intoxicating -rsa-, do not own, think I own, or will ever own Final Fantasy VII or its Compilations. I write this because I need a release from the angst I need to giggle once in a while, too.

* * *

Day One

The first time that I walked into the Shinra Building I should have turned around and walked right back out.

I was new, straight out of the Junon University with a major in the Continental language and a minor in Wutainese History. Not much schooling, only four years, and I figured that having some courses (no matter how utterly pointless they all were) would be enough to get me a job somewhere-- anywhere. I wanted to be an author, but until then I still needed to eat.

Along with thirteen gil in my pocket I decided that the novel on my fingertips would be enough motivation, and I would work anywhere as long as they kept a computer in front of me at all times. Working wouldn't be so hard, right? After all, Junon University said that the real world was much easier than the world of partying and sleeping through classes.

Damn teachers; a bunch of liars, the whole lot. Life easier when their were no deadlines and beds and food? Oh food. I hadn't had any of _that _in so long. Huh. Maybe the teachers didn't understand what being a starving artist was like. Fuck, _I _still didn't know what a starving artist felt like. No computer or paper to write with.

So, with my puny diploma in hand and a prayer to Minerva on my lips, I slipped into the Shinra Headquarters.

Slipped.

Perhaps it was bad timing on my part, or stupidity on the janitor's, but the floor just looked shiny. I figured, with how much money Shinra was pumping out of the citizens they had enough to spring for good wax. I also figured they could spring for some good mops, ones that didn't drip water all over the floor in puddles deep enough to drown in, but Shinra was cheaper than I thought.

The moment my first foot hit the floor I could already see that it was a mistake. The air rushed out of my lungs as I went skidding in, hands flailing. There was not enough time to even lunge for the door to when both feet went out below me and I was up in the air, going forward. I knew I was screaming; my voice seemed to have filled the entire damn place and I knew that whatever first impression I could have made I destroyed without so much as waiting a minute. It only took three seconds to end up with my face in the water, smelling the linoleum and mop water.

I hoped that I would drown in it.

"Holy! Are you okay?!"

I didn't say anything and I don't think whoever had said it expected anything. There would be a bruise on my head; I could already feel it growing, like a massive tumor on my face. Screw being alright, I wanted to snap to the guy talking--no, _yelling_-- above me. Get me a fucking spoon so I can press the demon's horn down before it gets out of control.

When I tried to speak the command I spit out bubbles—maybe I was drowning.

"Eh! Don't do that! Here." I could feel someone put their hands around me, pulling me up. They were strong hands and I wanted to smack them away. Tell them to leave me alone to wallow and drown in my new freedom. Welcome to the real world, alright.

* * *

He was Zack Fair, SOLDIER Second-Class. Granted, I didn't know that yet. Wish I had. Maybe I would have been quiet.

When he finally got me up from the floor and over to the benches, a feat I hadn't expected him to be able to achieve from how deeply I was trying to dig my feet into the ground, he sat me down. He had been talking so quickly that I couldn't comprehend what he was saying—a rambler. Gaia, I wanted to tell him to shut it unless somehow his voice held the power of soothing broken heads and egos.

"I've never seen someone hit their head that hard," the guy was saying, waving two fingers in front of my eyes. "You just went _BAM!_ I thought that someone let off another one of those bombs in the entrance. Sneaky little brats like doin' it. Gave me a heart attack until I saw you laying there. How many fingers am I holding up, eh? And are you seeing chocobos flying above your head, because if you are I think I should go get you a potion or somthi—"

"Shut up."

The guy's eyes, violet and bright, stared at me like I had just told him I had Wutaian Leprosy. "Say what?"

"I said, shut up," I groaned and put my hands over my head, hoping to block out all light and sound. Everything was whirring. That couldn't have been normal, surely. With my luck I had a concussion, and would fall into a coma where I'd die. At least in the hospital they'd shove tubes down my throat. At least when I'd die they'd give me drugs. At least they wouldn't be staring at me like I just killed their puppy.

The guy looked down dejectedly for a moment. "Er. I'll try?"

"Your voice is screeching."

The man didn't say anything for a few minutes, but when I opened my eyes back up he was peering down at me.

"Huh?"

The guy clapped his hands together. "You're perfect!" It looked like he was trying to run in place. "We need someone like you! I swear, I can get you the job! You're here for a job, right?"

I nervously looked around. Had my mother paid this poor schmuck to come and embarrass me so I would go home? Insult me on top of everything along with giving me a headache?

He pulled out a phone, clicked a number so fast that I couldn't tell what it was, and raised the phone to his ear. I tried to drain out the black-haired, hyper-active man's voice, but it refused to fade.

"There's a girl down here—mmhmm—yeah, she's got that look of needing to be hired—I know, but you need to get him—but I think she'd be good! Come _oooooooooooooon_! Do it for me? No—meany. Fine, I'll ask." he looked down at me and smiled, teeth and all. "You need a job, right? Right? Rightrightrightrighright?"

"Yes! Just shut up!" Could the day have become any worse?

"She's even telling me what to do already! Come on—you need a new secretary and she already doesn't like me! It's perfect, right?"

Wait, I thought, eyes opening wide, even though it made me feel even more pain by doing so. Secretary? The type of person that got to deal with those annoying executives? But they had computers... and food. A whole room of food. And donuts, too. And quiet time. And food.

"I'll take it!"

The man, or kid, now that I got a good look at him, cupped his hand over the receiver. "Really? Score! Angeal, I got you guys a new secretary! What's your name?"

I would have stood up and saluted, or something, but instead I laid my head against the wooden bench. "Sai Matenson."

"Eh? Weird name. I'm Zack Fair, and you're gunna be working for him—" I would have looked around, but the kid, Fair, was pointing at his phone.

* * *

There was the door to the outside of Shinra's Headquarters, and I could have ran to it (avoiding the water in front, but most of it should have been dried by then). Yet, I didn't.

I was too tempted by the job, the awful job of being a secretary. Oh, and what kind of things I could learn! I thought of using them for my novel, as all experience was good experience.

How was I supposed to know that my novel would end up so very different than I had planned it to be? Call me whatever you wish, but being the secretary to Shinra's Elite makes everything a little more interesting and difficult. And I wrote.

And that is what this hot little book in your palm is.

Congratulations, and welcome to My life.

Boy, is it hard.

* * *

**I got bored, so what do you think? The story is going to be interesting. Sai's character is going to be very funny. And she'll get to see all of the man on man going at it on her desk, but that is a tale in itself.**

**Please Review! **


	2. Chapter 2

Author Notes: Looks like the first chapter was well-liked by most of you! And I'm glad you like my OC... I hate OC's, normally, so I know what it's like to wish them dead. So if you want to kill Sai, fine, be my guest. But then we won't be able to laugh at her misfortunes.

Disclaimer: I, Strange and Intoxicating -rsa-, do not own, think I own, or will ever own Final Fantasy VII or its Compilations. I write this because I need a release from the angst I need to giggle once in a while, too.

* * *

Day Two Part One

On the first day of being a Shinra employee I did nothing but slip on my face, the second day, the first honest-to-Gaia day of work, wasn't all that much better. I packed myself a lunch in my run-down shack of an apartment which consisted of nothing more than a few ketchup packets, and set off in my nicest clothing and pretty bow shoes. I wasn't working as a Honey-Bee, so I was sure that my clothing would be acceptable to anyone who cared to look.

The moment I reached the Shinra Headquarters I could feel my stomach growl, but I ignored it; thirteen gil. That was it. My packets of fast-food condiments could wait. Maybe they would give me food... Zack Fair had said nothing about food.

"Dammit," I muttered as I stepped into the building, making sure that there was no water within my general area or the walkway. While my head still ached with the fire of a thousand raiding chocobos, the bump was worse. It took me nearly an hour to hide the bruise from view, only after I cut out a good portion of the hair in front of my eyes. Now I had badly-chopped bangs. I could practically feel the secretaries manning the front of the building laughing and pointing their nails at me. Damn them and their jerky smiles and acid green nail polish.

I walked forward, pulling out my new badge and placing it on top of the counter in front of the prissy-pisses and looked down. I should have cleaned my nails better. I should have also covered my picture with a blot of ink, just so my horn wasn't visible.

The girl picked it up with the tips of her fingers, the smile-sneer never leaving. "Oh," she said, placing it back down and then typing a few words into her computer. "You're the new one. I wonder how long you'll last."

I cocked my head to the side. "How long will I last?" I repeated, snatching up my card.

She blinked her pasted eyelashes. "SOLDIER secretaries don't last all that long. Most end up being thrown out the window." She smiled, clinked her nails against the surface of her keyboard and straightened her back. "You aren't exactly what SOLDIERs need, anyway."

I rolled my eyes. "Oh yes, of course they're going to want pretty girls who are willing to put out, hmm? Rather than someone who can, you know, do their job?" I snarled the last words out like a curse.

She nodded and looked over to her friend, pretty blonde hair bellowing behind her.

I continued, even though she was ignoring me. "Well, I hope you become the secretary after I die. It'll be nice to see that pretty face smushed into the sidewalk, neh?" And with that I leaned over and grabbed the keycard lying on her desk which I had noticed the moment she had looked away. Not wanting me to go do my job. Hmmph.

* * *

I slipped the keycard through the elevator lock and pressed the number 49. That was where I was supposed to go, according to the paper Zack had given me the previous day. He also told me something else, but I couldn't quite remember what it was. Something about a duck, I think.

But it didn't matter; instead, I pulled out a packet of ketchup and bit a hole trough the flimsy plastic, sucking on the thick tomato paste. It wasn't even good, though one with a budget really couldn't complain. Which was better—keeping the lights on or eating? Didn't matter to me too much. The neighbor had taken a liking to me and would give me the packets of old (they were only a few weeks old, and tasted perfectly fine to me) things from work. The relish was better, though.

I hadn't been paying attention. That's how most of my accidents ended up happening—me being an idiot and not listening.

So, when a large potted plant was thrown at my head the moment the elevator doors opened (me still sucking on my rapidly emptying condiment packet) I covered my head. The packet and its contents dropped from my mouth as I went to my knees, acting on impulse.

"I'm just the secretary!" I yelled over the smashing of pottery against the glass. Something was stuck in front of the elevator door and I wanted more than anything in the entire world for it to disappear so that I could go back down. Those secretaries could fucking _have_ these SOLDIERs if they liked throwing things at their newest employees. I repeated my plea louder, but more glass seemed to be breaking and there was loud screaming for whoever it was to shut the fuck up.

I uncovered my face and peeked out of the elevator, noticing that there was a shoe blocking the doors from closing. The potted plant, a few flowers crushed against the glass, wasn't the only thing that was being thrown. With piqued curiosity (I also wanted to scream and throw the shoe back at whoever had thrown it at me) I stumbled forward on my knees, leaning out to look both ways before looking straight out, which should have been the first place my eyes drifted to.

What I saw wasn't what I had expected.

There were two men on top of a desk... my desk, I noticed, the plaque with my name shining on the floor where various other objects were scattered. Another missing shoe, a set of stationary, a condom wrapper... why was there a condom wrapper on my floor? Where I was supposed to work—oh. They were having sex on my desk.

Well. Damn.

"Ahhhhhhh!" I screamed, throwing my purse at the two, whom I suspected were coworkers, probably other secretaries. "Not on my desk!" I yelled, but they continued on, and I noticed that there were other doors open in the hallway, and a few people's heads were sticking out.

Zack's was one of them. He waved to me, looked at what I was pointing my hand at, and quickly shut his eyes and slapped his hand over them for good measure. At least my mouth wasn't the only one on the floor.

"Stop it!" I wanted to run forward, but the two continued their deed, oblivious to my words. Was this normal—two exhibitionists having a nice romp on my desk? Oh, there weren't any other surfaces around, but couldn't they use their own desks? Sure, mine was nice, but really. Why would they have to—damn it. There were sure to be splatters of their... great. Now they'll need to buy me a new desk. "Quit christening my fucking desk—do it to your own!"

They were panting now, finished with their defilement of my desk... my new desk. I hadn't even been in the room for more than two minutes and I already wanted to be tossed out the window.

One of the men turned around, sweat-slicked brow, and winced. "I'm going to imagine that you're the newest addition to the family? Sai Matenson? " The man looked from me, mouth gaping open, to Zack, who was nodded up and down as if his life depended on it. He had uncovered his eyes now that their... deed... was complete.

"Why me?" I asked and proceeded to point my finger and wag it. "You have your own desks. I haven't even spilled coffee on that. And you knocked my plaque over! And now you need to switch me desks with someone else. I mean it—" my mouth went dry. What if they were my employers? That wouldn't be good. "Erm, boss? Maybe? No?"

The man nodded and zipped up his pants, flinging the condom at the trashcan on the other side of the room. "Guess it couldn't be helped. I thought you told the new girl to come in at nine."

I looked down at my watch. It was eight-thirty. "So that's your excuse for fucking like rabbits on my desk?" I pointed to the shoe next to me, and for a moment I thought about stealing it, heading down in the elevator and letting it bring me back to the first floor, where I would promptly throw it at one of the plastic bitches. Or maybe not.

Zack looked genuinely sorry. "I did," he said, making a gesture to me, and then back to himself. "I don't know why she came..."

"But you told me to duck!" I pointed my finger away from the couple (the man who had been laying on my desk with all of his junk hanging out had the decency to wipe a hand across his brow, button his pants, and attempted to straighten up his auburn hair to get rid of the newly I-just-got-laid look) to Zack. "You said that I should duck when I got here!"

"That's because these two are always throwing things at one another!" Zack explained. I noticed the panic in his voice. "Really—swear to Minerva I thought you two were just having another one of your fights. Remember you threw the plaque at the last girl's head and she got a concussion, Genesis?"

Genesis, the man still sitting on my desk, nodded. "The puppy is right."

"So this is a normal, everyday thing?" I questioned, sending a scathing look at the dark-haired man who was standing there, acting as though moments ago he hadn't been caught fucking on his new secretary's desk. "You should be ashamed," I mumbled under my breath, and attempted to stand up. My feet wouldn't work.

"Not normal," the black-haired man stated gruffly and he stepped on wrapper, covering it with his foot. Yes, pretend that you didn't just use it to fuck on my desk and putting your shoe over the evidence will make it all go away(not all of it, considering the white splotches on the dark wood. Ugh. Just ugh.) "And we do not owe you an explanation."

"Aw, Angeal, be a bit nicer! She didn't do anything wrong. Just 'cuz you're fighting with the General doesn't mean you can take it out on our new buddy, right?"

"Zack," there was more patience in the man's voice then I expected. "I believe that there is work for you to do. Make sure that miss Matenson feels comfortable here—"

I muttered under my breath, "Damned unlikely," but he continued to speak.

"And I will call the new furnisher, tell him that it is time to bring in the new desk."

Genesis tossed his head back and laughed at my shocked face. "The last woman did not approve of our... sexual appetites. She enjoyed our suffering, so to say goodbye to her we—"

"Did exactly what she didn't like." I nodded and stood, my feet a little wobbly from being on my knees for so long. "But then why is my stuff there?"

Zack scratched his head. "Well, I put it there, Sai. Figured that they weren't going to do _that_ right there, where people can walk in and see. And there's red stuff all down the front of your shirt, you know."

Quickly I looked down, only to see my breakfast of ketchup staring back at me. This was no better than yesterday.

* * *

**Sai has no luck whatsoever. First day she falls on her face, second day she gets a pot thrown at her, stains her shirt, and sees two men getting frisky on what she thought was her desk. I'm sorry if any of the characters are OOC. This is meant to be funny, and the characters should get a little more like themselves soon.**

**Please Review? **


	3. Chapter 3

Author Notes: Sorry for it taking so long to get the next chapter out! I really hadn't meant for it to take so long. And thank you to everyone who reviewed! I'll try to get back to you, I promise.

Disclaimer: I, Strange and Intoxicating -rsa-, do not own, think I own, or will ever own Final Fantasy VII or its Compilations. I write this because I need a release from the angst I need to giggle once in a while, too.

* * *

Day Two Part Two

"Miss Matenson, it's very important that we inform you of something," Angeal said, but I couldn't draw my eyes to him. Every time I looked at him I could see a desk and a potted plant getting thrown in my direction. How was I ever going to be able to hold a conversation with a man that I've seen shoving his shlong in another SOLDIER's butt? It wasn't so much as yucky as it was awkward—and they were both high up SOLDIERs, too.

"What is it, sir?" I kept my eyes drawn to the door, where two burly men were wading through the shards of the broken pot, their rubber soles rubbing in the dirt. The first thing I was going to have to do is call up someone with a vacuum.

Suddenly, without warning, Angeal pulled something out of his pocket and tossed it to me. I flinched before raising my hand to catch it, at the same time getting a glimpse of the man. His face was serious, hard. But, his eyes told of emotions I couldn't understand. If I wasn't younger than him, or creeped out about him having sex on what I thought was my desk, I could have thought him handsome in that strange way. He certainly was, but I don't think I would ever want to. Besides making his sexuality very clear, there was something else there. Like... property ownership.

I looked down at my hand once whatever it was impacted. My fingers were closed around a small bottle, orange-yellow, with a white cap over it. One of those stupid child-safe bottle locks. "Huh? Please tell you aren't attempting to self-medicate me. Because if you are, I'm going to have to say that my daddy always told me to never take medicine from strangers."

He laughed, and I felt ashamed. "It's not for you. It's for the General."

I stared, astonished. "I'm not putting meds in the _General's_ coffee. Don't even ask me to. I can't do that."

"He won't take them any other way. And make sure you put them in his second cup of coffee. He pretends to drink it, but he really dumps it down the side of the building. There is a constant rain of Ritalin-laced coffee raining down on the people below. Just make sure you keep those secure in your desk. He won't go through it if you... just hide them from him." Angeal smiled. "It isn't that hard. All of his other secretaries understand that without those... he can get a little..."

A crash came from the door a few feet away, and I turned to see the plaque proclaiming it to be the General's office. There was screaming, something breaking, and then quiet. "And he doesn't drink coffee after eight. You'll have to slip it into his water if you can't get here before eight."

"But I'm not supposed to start until nine, sir." I looked back down to the pills in my hand, then to the SOLDIER standing next to me. "Damn it," I muttered under my breath.

"You'll be starting at six-thirty from now on. And because of Sephiroth's sleeping arrangements, you'll have to stay in the Shinra building. He likes having all workers be on hand. Especially secretaries."

"I'm not sleeping with him." My answer was blunt and honest. He may be the Shinra's prized slave, but I wasn't going to be his.

Angeal laughed again, and I felt like I was being whacked with a broom across the head a thousand times. "He would never do such a thing, my dear." There was a hint of something else in his voice. "He belongs with us."

Oh. They were all having sex with one another. Now I couldn't go into any room without making sure my eyes and ears were covered. "Oh, dandy. At least I don't think I'll have to watch out for sexual harassment in this building. You're all doing it to one another willingly." I wanted to bury my face under some of the dirt on the ground. Putting my cheek against my hand, I felt the flush of my skin.

"Yes. We are. And there is little chance that you'll ever see... well, you won't see..." Angeal seemed to be trying to find a nice way to say what they had been 'doing'.

"Humping like bunnies? Molesting one another? Having a grand ol' orgy in the front room?" I said scathingly.

He didn't blush, but my own seemed to grow at an impossible rate. "Having sexual intercourse. And it could have been much worse. It could have been Zack with us, as well. Or even the General himself."

OH. Ugh. All of them? And imagining the size of all of them (not _that _size...), they would all be over cute, lovable and very tiny (not in _that_ way) Zack. The poor thing... maybe I should slip some of the General's pills into _his _water. His poor ass...

"What did you say?" Angeal questioned, his eyes narrowing.

I gulped. "Uh, whoops?"

* * *

After escaping from Angeal, who went on and on and freaking _on_ about not telling anyone who wasn't in Shinra about their little love trysts around the office, I got to meet the big honcho. The main man. The awesome and fearsome General who could kill a thousand Wutaian soldiers with his eyes closed. The sex-magnet of all Shinra. I was expecting to walk in the room to see a massive orgy with Genesis and Zack twisted up on his desk, but what was actually there was a bit different.

There was a hole in the wall and Sephiroth was sitting below it. It looked like he was drooling or something, because of his vacant stare. There was a little blood on the wall, and his pants were unzipped. I looked around again to make sure that there wasn't any crazy fanboy hiding beneath his desk to give the guy head or attempt to impale himself on the semi-comatose guy, but there was no one. Not even behind the banged-up file cabinets.

"Er, sir?" My voice was too meek and I knew it. But this was like coming up to a lion hiding in a subway. Dangerous, even if it looked lost and docile. "Uh, I have some water for you?"

I waved the up in my hand, the medicine-water sloshing against the sides. There was a few drips that hit my fingers.

He did look like the pictures, except for the fact that he was lying on the floor, staring at the wall opposite, dazed. There was the long, well-kept silver locks, the bright silver eyes (that were rumored to turn green when he was going ape-shit on his enemies), the perfect straight white teeth, the thin nose, the muscles, the Masamune that was a few feet away, and the leather. Holy Alexander, was there leather! Could he be any more into S&M?

He switched his gaze to me, and I felt like I was pinned with terror, though I tried not to show that. There was a tinge of green to his eyes.

"Go away."

"Uh, no can do, sir! I'm your new secretary!" Perky, bubbly, keep a few feet away so that if he lunges I can kick him in the gonads. Sweet and docile my ass. "And I brought you some water. They told me you don't drink coffee after eight." Keep chirping away happily.

I put the cup down and stood my ground, reaching out to grab his hand. He batter it away with his hand. "I said, 'go away'. I would imagine that you speak Continental."

"Well, of course." He was being a git. "But you should really get off of the floor, y'know. There may be germs there."

"And you should wash your clothes more."

Ohhh. Meany pants.

"What did you say?" One silver eye brown rose, and the green in his eyes washed away into silver.

"Uh... I said something about your pants looking extra leathery today?"

"And I said that you have ketchup all over you. Come back later. Leave the water."

* * *

I don't think that my boss likes me. Or trusts me.

Some guy below Sephiroth's window complained that Sephiroth threw a glass through his window, breaking his new computer. And when Angeal saw it, he sent me one of those contemptuous looks.

Maybe I should try hot cocoa.

* * *

**Hee. Looks like Sai is getting into trouble and stuffs. I'm sorry that it took so long to update. I can't promise a new chapter soon, but I can say that I plan to continue working on this! **

**Please Review!**


	4. Chapter 4

Author Notes: I said there would be new chapters, didn't I? And really, I just adore Sai. Hehe. And it's so good to know that you guys like her, too. Personally, I loathe most OCs because the attempt to sleep with everyone and everything. As you can probably already see, Sai won't be getting laid any time soon. Or, preferably, ever.

Disclaimer: I, Strange and Intoxicating -rsa-, do not own, think I own, or will ever own Final Fantasy VII or its Compilations. I write this because I need a release from the angst. I need to giggle once in a while, too.

* * *

Day Two Part Three

When it really got down to business, being a secretary wasn't so bad. There were things like slipping pills into the General's coffee that would probably cause me ulcers, and I would end up cracking my skull against my new, shiny (and completely jizz-free) desk because of some of the more asinine paper work, but it wasn't too bad. Stupid, horny people with mental illnesses be damned—I wasn't going to do too bad. I was going to look up, now that the first awkward moments were gone, and look for the bright side. One where there were rainbows and smiles and donuts...

"Oh my Shiva, Zack."

The dark-haired Second Class smiled as he handed over a large box of donuts, my name scrawled over the white surface of the box. "From Genesis—he said that, well..."

I snatched the box from Zack, already flipping the lid open. The smell was tantalizing—sweet, sugared, oiled up and fried dough; my heaven after a hell of packets of condiments. There were a dozen lined up like little soldiers readying for the war of my mouth...

"He's sorry for the whole, er, _thing _that you saw this morning. He's really not too bad." Zack smiled, and reached for a donut.

I slapped his hand away. "Wait your turn," I said scathingly. "I haven't eaten anything but ketchup for days." The SOLDIER laughed as I grabbed the biggest, juiciest, most plump donut from the batch—pure sugar filling. And more sugar. Yum. Who cared about paperwork and man sex when I was eating a little bit of diabetes-heaven? "An' he 'ish, 'ish 'e?" I mumbled through bites.

The boy smiled and shook his head, his eyes darting from my face to the box and back. "Can I have one now?"

"Yesh."

"Sweet!" He leaned forward and grabbed a crème-filled one. "I love these things—Genesis won't buy them for me anymore. He says I'll rot out my teeth, though SOLDIERs teeth can't rot. It's a double standard, let me tell you! I can't even begin to tell you the number of times when I get home to the apartment and there are donut crumbs on a plate, and his breath tastes and smells like this stuff! I don't think he wants be to get all fat and bloated, but it doesn't matter because I'm a SOLDIER! I can work off the donut in like, thirteen squats. How many people could work off a donut in thirteen squats? I don't know anyone but me. And he also says," Zack said, after taking a bite—Holy, the entire thing was almost gone!— of his donut. He sighed contently before continuing. "He says that he's not an 'uke', whatever that means. Do you understand what that means?"

I had been reaching for my second donut when he had said that. Naïve, much? I coughed into my hand. "Urg, sure?"

Zack scrunched up his nose. "I don't know what he's talking about most of the time when he says that. He then uses this long Wutaian word that he said he learned while in Wutai. Something about needing to find a nice courtesan, I guess? I don't know—I was in Wutai only for a little while. I wonder how much of the language they know—enough to get Sephiroth uh, 'milk'? That's what they said the word translated into. I asked Tseng once what they meant, but he only told me to go away."

Wow, the kid could talk. And about things he didn't even really understand! I was lucky—my mom had been fluent in Wutainese and a teacher for years, so I had learned some as a child. I could understand some of what Zack said perfectly. And that was no milk.

"So I'm sitting there and trying to work, y'know, and..."

I blocked the boy's chattering voice out. It wasn't too bad, even with the kid talking a mile a minute.

"And so you like to look at gay Wutaian comics, too?"

Huh? Wait—what!?

"I said," the boy coughed into his hand for emphasis, "you like to look at gay Wutaian comics, too? Because they just sent Colerd down to your apartment to pack everything up and bring it here. He said that you had a nice collection hidden underneath your bed in a box."

Oh sweet, sweet Odin—strike me down with your sword. They had gone through the box under my bed. I had been an avid collector of Wutaian paraphernalia in high school—my mother constantly snatching books in class and never giving them back. But I never read any of them. Well, most of them... okay, some of them...

"It's okay!" Zack smiled and did a squat. "Angeal, Sephiroth, Genesis and I have over three thousand of them! Genesis and Sephiroth want to try out all of the moves in them... Angeal won't let them buy this little thingy-ma-gig that was in one of them, but I think that hanging from the ceiling in those leather straps would be kinda fun!"

Ifrit, if the boy didn't shut the fuck up about sex toys I was going to put my head through my computer. "I... I get it," I said, holding my hand out. "Thanks for the donuts, but I should get back to work. Uh, here." I grabbed one of the donuts, stood, and shoved it into the boy's still-moving mouth. "Go do some squats in the corner."

Zack nodded, his bright blue-violet eyes shining. A few hairs were displaced, making me think more and more of the nickname that the others had referred to him as 'puppy'. A thought struck me and I once again had to resist the urge to bang my head against something sharp. Did they call him that in bed, too? Tie him up with a leash and make him wear a collar and a little tail?

And so I did the only thing I could.

_Bang._

"Don't hit your head too hard!" Zack said. "And you should come over one night with your books—we can compare!"

* * *

The rest of the day came with short spurts of embarrassment and humiliation. But, as I registered that my stomach was no longer growling and I had finally been able to get the medication into Sephiroth's stomach in the form of a laced banana-strawberry smoothie, things were looking up. As the clock reached six and the office was fairly calm, with all of the SOLDIERs (I had found out that there were only Fifteen offices for First Class on the 49th floor, and most of the other SOLDIERs either did not do their own paperwork, didn't want an office with everyone else, or ransacked the Second Class floor) except for Angeal, Genesis, Sephiroth and Zack (who had somehow, unsurprisingly, managed to get a First Class office even though he wasn't one yet...) Luckily for me, it was clear that they weren't banging or any other... stuff.

In fact, they seemed to be sitting in there, door open, yelling at one another about something.

While I probably shouldn't have been listening, who could blame me? They were being so freaking loud I could barely hear my own thoughts. So, I doubted anyone would notice me if I stopped typing for one second and just listened.

I folded up my hands underneath my chin, tilted my head toward the door of Sephiroth's office, and listened.

"You're not ready to be a First Class, Zack." That was Angeal, I could tell from his tone.

Sephiroth answered next. "I disagree with you, Angeal. He is quite competent in his work, and he had the recommendation from others, besides ourselves."

"But it could be dangerous and he could get hurt. How would you feel if he is injured and we aren't there?"

"That's bat-shit stupid! I'm seventeen—" Zack was only seventeen? I was almost twenty... damn, I was getting old. "And I can totally take care of myself!"

"Like eating dirt, because you thought that it would be nutritious?" Genesis, the come-hither man, snarked. "While I'm all for letting the puppy become a First Class, because really, he would look good in the uniform—"

"Genesis, this has nothing to do with how he looks."

I could almost see the auburn-haired man smirk. "Oh, Angeal, it does. We all know that you've been dying to tie him up and spank him with his new SOLDIER belt. But, alas, I still say that we shouldn't be holding him back."

"Damn right! Thank you, Gen."

"No problem, Zacj. I get the first whack though, you understand?"

They could even be dirty when talking about something serious. Amazing.

Sephiroth seemed to cough into his hand. I couldn't tell, but the sound and the action just seemed to fit. "If Zackary is ready to be a SOLDIER First Class, then we have no right to hold him from it, Angeal. He will only become stronger, and less unprotected because of it. Suggesting him to Lazard for promotion does not guarantee that it will take place; the Director would never do it just because of our name."

"And I've been training for months and months, Angeal! C'mon! Don't you love me?"

"Poor choice of tactic. You know I do, which is why I don't think you are ready to face the challenge of First Class. Besides that," Angeal's voice dropped a little, "you would be gone from three to five weeks at a time, maybe more. Though the war has finally begun to subside, it'll be more likely that you're sent away. I cannot promise that one of us will be with you."

"And our hormones, my dear, would go out of whack without you."

"Not only that," Sephiroth said. I looked over to see that he was wrapping his arms around Zack's chest. "But our souls would miss each other, as well."

I smiled. The roles of their relationship were becoming more pronounced. Zack was easily their youngest, their baby and anyone would be willing to do anything to keep him happy. Genesis was the man who was extraordinarily sexual, his thoughts and actions seeming to circle with them, but his love was clear. Angeal was the protector, the safe guard who wanted everyone safe and alive. Sephiroth, it seemed to me, was the final warrior/lover type of guy. While stoic and a bit reserved, he bound everyone together. I could see how they acted to one another.

But, while an amazing, in that creepy, gooey, lovey way, I couldn't sit around and watch them. Genesis had caught my eye and was smirking at me through the open door.

Quickly shutting off the computer and straightening out a few papers (making sure to grab my donuts. Zack had come over another three times to mooch them off of me. He certainly wasn't going to get the last two), I made my way to the elevator, the stains and dirt already gone. Man, I had worked my butt off.

And now I got to go sleep on level Fifty-two, where Zack had told me I would be staying.

I didn't even really look around the place. I was too tired, my eyes weighing more than my entire body, it seemed. All I was able to do was shut the door, turn the lights on, drop the box of donuts onto the coffee table near my ragged cough before I sat down.

With how tired I was, it only took a second for me to fall asleep.

* * *

**I think I liked this chapter! Lots of fun stuff and a little bit of interesting things to do with Zack, Angeal, Sephiroth and Genesis. Lots of fun will come from them. Oh, and in case you were wondering, the Japanese word for 'milk' can also be used as the word for 'sperm', 'jizz', 'cum' and whatever words you'd like. Brings a whole new meaning to 'Got Milk', eh? Also, the first day had three parts, but most of the others won't have so many.  
**

**Please Review! **


	5. Chapter 5

Author Notes: The fifth chapter! Aren't you excited?

Disclaimer: I, Strange and Intoxicating -rsa-, do not own, think I own, or will ever own Final Fantasy VII or its Compilations. I write this because I need a release from the angst. I need to giggle once in a while, too.

* * *

Day Three

On the first day, I fell in a puddle of water and thought of drowning.

On the second day I saw gay sex before my eyes and wanted to die.

And on the third day, I met Reno Sinclair.

* * *

The morning had been going well enough. My computer was whirring, the coffee machine was working and I had gotten three cups of coffee into Sephiroth (while he didn't trust me too much, he really did like the stuff. I don't even think he threw out his coffee that morning, because I had yet to get a phone call from the guys underneath us). Any day that starts off good in Shinra Headquarters was bound to go sour somewhere, so I shouldn't have been the least surprised when Sephiroth called me into his office, angrily glaring at a stack of paperwork.

"Uh, sir? What can I do for you?" I questioned, checking to make sure that the coffee mug was still full and that Sephiroth wasn't eying the letter opener. Or the Masamune, which was luckily a little further out of reach.

"These papers—" he gestured to the stack before him, and now that he mentioned it, I could see that there were random doodles in the corner. I couldn't see what exactly they were, as they were upside down, but I was pretty sure whatever it was caused the General's anger.

"What about them, sir?" Oh please, sweet Gaia, he couldn't possibly be blaming them on me, right?

Sephiroth stood, silver hair sheeting down his back, his silver eyes glaring menacingly at the red scribblings. I looked down to see stick figures... in compromising positions... who would draw stick figures like _that?_

"It wasn't me," I said earnestly, holding out my hands to the man in hopes to calm him from the sudden rage he was dealing with. I wasn't the one to blame for there being stick figure porn on his papers.

"I am quite aware that it wasn't you. Bring these to the Turk Lounge. It's three floors down. Tell Tseng to deal with him, as I can't stand the sight of either of them at the moment. Make sure that Tseng does something about this; my SOLDIERs cannot fight or even do paperwork anymore." The General sat back down, regally, and pushed the papers forward. His ink pen had begun to bleed on one of the pages, which seemed to be very wrong, considering that it was the General. He had to have his coffee at perfect temperature and at a specific line.

It was a little bit hard to see the man as a war General, if I hadn't known that he could kill me with his little toe.

"Okay, sir," I began, plucking the papers off of the desk and tucking them under my arm. The pen had fallen onto the floor, but if he wanted it so much, he could pick it up himself. "Three floors down, right? And A guy named Tseng? Shouldn't be too hard."

As I stepped out of the room I heard something clunking against the wall, and I was sure that I'd have to call someone to come clean up whatever mess that came from it.

* * *

"General Sephiroth has sent me down... here?" I said to the secretary, whose face lost all of its color and became a strange parlor. "I, uh. Need to give this to Mister erm... Eng? Uh. Mister Leng? It was something like that. You know who I'm talking about, right?"

The girl's gaze swept from me to the papers in my hand, down to the stick figures. "Holy, he did it again," she said with no explanation.

"Oh, these?" I went to hand her the papers, but she adamantly refused to take them. "Is there something wrong? I mean, they're just papers. And the General said for you guys to deal with them. So, where should I put them?"

"You can hand them to me, right now," someone said from behind me, and I quickly turned to see whoever it was speaking. "Those would be the files that I sent upstairs for the General's approval. I believe that something went wrong in the transaction. Am I correct?"

The guy was tall, brooding, and dark. Looked like a -eng to me.

"Yep, that would be what these are. They're actually pretty funny, but I don't think the..." what the fuck was I saying? This guy was a Turk, from his blue suit and shiny shoes. You don't speak with Turks, basic lesson in survival. I coughed. "Uh, here. Mister. Uh. Yeah."

The man raised one eyebrow, critically observing me. "You're the new girl." Statement, rather than question.

I didn't answer. "So, that's it? Anything else you'd like me to tell him? Maybe an apo—"

"Turks do not apologize. Simply tell him that the matter will be taken care of," the man said, shortly. It was almost like he didn't like me. But that wasn't possible! I just started working at Shinra; I couldn't have someone hate me already. And... it was a Turk. Oh boy. Oh boy oh boy oh boy. My parents were too young to lose their kid, and I wasn't ready to be thrown under any type of bus, Turk or SOLDIER.

"All right. I'll make sure to tell him that, sir." I turned, my face scrunching in fear. Sweet Alexander. Not good, not good. "Um," turning back to the man, I put on my sweetest face. "Would you happen to know if there is a Turk base near Junon?" Small talk—wasn't going to kill me, and may make a better impression. Sweet, innocent, naïve. It wasn't like he was going to kill me.

"Doll, you need to learn how not ta mumble under your breath. We can still hear you."

He had red hair, a cocky smile, and green eyes. Sinclair, Reno. Birthdate: Unknown. Hometown: Unknown. Age: 23, or so he said. Slum boy, found in Midgar Sector 2. Likes: women, booze and for some reason high-ranking SOLDIERs. Dislikes: Secretaries. I didn't know all of this information yet, but I'd learn sooner than later.

And I was his target, little lamb being chased by a wolf. A hungry wolf.

"I don't know what you're talking about, sir." I gave my largest smile and cocked my head to the side, in a way which made me look like some dopey child. Keep calm, don't scream, and make sure I lock my doors at night. Tight. With Furniture piled up in front of it. Turks. "I don't think I said anything."

"Ya just totally did. And why're you carryin' 'round the General's papers? Hey, ain't that my work? Why's he sendin' 'em back? They're done right—I spent three hours doin' all of it last night. He should be grateful, the tight-ass. What're you lookin' at, anyway?"

Quickly, I looked down, away from the fuming Turk. "I'm just doing my job."

"Well, you suck at it."

The anger was slowly building up in me and damn the consequences, I was going to hurt this guy. I was doing a good job! He probably didn't know a hard day's work. Pig.

"What'cha callin' me, Girlie?"

"Pig. Jerk. Selfish. Rude. Inconsiderate. An asshole." My words were loud, and seemed to echo off of the walls. "You're just a big bully. Go bug someone else! I'm just the fucking secretary!" And with that I lifted my head up and sneered before walking off, my hands tightened into fists.

"Did. What? Tseng? Did that just? Fuck."

I barely registered that the red haired man was following me. That was, however, until I was hit in the head with something. Everything was fuzzy, and I could see that Tseng, that was his name, has his arms folded in front of himself and the secretary was cowering in the corner.

"You've got a lot of balls, Girlie. Maybe we'll get along a little better than I thought." He didn't bend down to help me up, just stood there, smirking. I could feel his eyes on the hem of my skirt. Probably wanting a peek. The perv.

"Don't talk to me like that," I yelled as I lunged forward, grabbing his shoe and pulling him down to the ground. While the guy was thin, like most other slum rats, he was strong. Then again, I was strong. And pissed.

Sadly, with the amount of luck I had, I should have realized that when I pulled him down, he would land on me. Knees in the gut, hands smushing my face. I coughed and pushed at him. My throat felt like it was on fire, and my head still felt like he had thrown a paperweight at me. There was probably blood.

In my anger, I can't exactly recall what I did, but I have a deep-seated feeling that it may have been a knee to the balls. Whatever I had done made him go down like a sack of rice. Sadly, it was right on top of me, and a guy's big chest crushing my face was no better than it being his hands. Trying to scream was futile. He was groaning in pain, I was groaning with lack of oxygen, and that was the sight the General, his two Lieutenants and their puppy walked in on.

* * *

Third day having anything to do with Shinra and I had written my own death sentence, even though Zack was swearing up and down that everything would be okay.

"It was just an accident, and Reno's really nice once you get to know him. He even gave me a cloth with yellow chocobos on it. Said it was a gag, but I just use it as a hankie. See? A good guy!"

I put my head, aching with three new stitches and one horrible migraine, down on my desk. Paperwork be damned. It was all Sephiroth's fault. If I hadn't had to go down there because he just couldn't suck up the fact that there were a couple of drawings depicting his anal defloweration (though I think it happened a loooong time before the Turk could draw it), I probably would have ended up okay. The day had been so great. It was basic mathematics that it would end up fucking me over.

"Zack, I think you should go back to the apartment." It was Sephiroth, standing before my desk with a pile of paperwork. I hope he just wanted me to sort through it. There was no way I would be getting up and going back downstairs to talk to the Turks again. "I will be sending Miss Matenson back to her apartment to rest. The doctor stated the you were to be released from work today on account of your injury. However, I will be periodically sending someone to check on you. There is still the possibility that you have a concussion."

"I'll watch her, I'll do it, Seph. You know how good I am at keeping people from sleeping."

Was it just me, or did that really sound as perverted as it was?

"I'll be fine, I swear. Just send me off, or whatever."

Sephiroth looked down to me, silver eyes scanning over me. "Zack will go with you until I call for him to return. It would be best if it was him. With your neighbor... yes."

"Neighbor? What're you going on about?" For a moment I thought about panicking from my rudeness, but instead I just sighed. "Don't I have secretary neighbors? Those girls from downstairs, right? Eh, nothing I can't deal with. They're just girls. Throw a shoe at them and they'll fling themselves down a flight of stairs."

The General ignored me and looked down to Zack, who was brightly smiling. "Make sure she eats something, and if she goes to sleep, you wake her every hour. Understood?"

"Ay, ay! You know you can depend on me! I'll keep Reno from going after her. I mean, it's just a door between them, right? A wall, too. I hope Reno doesn't make too much noise tonight. I think he said something to me when I was down in the Infirmary about having some company. Maybe we can invite them over, Sai. Have a party! Watch movies, eat popcorn and chips and stuff. Oh, do you have any food at your apartment? If not, I'll call the kitchens and tell them to send up some food and stuff. I mean, you can't have a party with Turks without any food, and Reno likes these little sandwich things that I can make, and he's always asking for me to make them. This'll be fun!"

_Bang_.

"I don't think Miss Matenson will be able to participate in any of that, tonight."

But I interrupted the man. "If you want, I'll pull out my books. I'll let you look through them. If, you're _quiet._"

Sephiroth looked impressed, if not a little confused. "As you heard, Zackary. Go take her home now."

* * *

It wasn't as bad as it could have been, I conceded. The Kid wasn't too bad, and he did make killer sandwiches. He also was surprisingly quiet after I pulled out the box, which the SOLDIER had put back under my bed, like it had been in my other apartment, and let him read through them.

"I like this one," he would say occasionally, placing it into a pile on the other side when he was done. Once in a while he would ask if he could borrow a book, and I would mutter something, I wasn't even sure if it was Continental, and Zack would thank me and put it in a different pile.

I, curled up on the couch with me head buried in three pillows, didn't feel so bad, anymore. The television was playing one of those horrible dramas, but it was so low I could barely hear the girl confessing her love for her older brother, and their passionate 'but we can't, because it's so wrong' speeches. Yet, it was strangely all right. Belly full of food, Zack being quiet, and—

"Harder, _Holy_! Please, oh sweet Minerva, _HARDER_!"

"I think they're playing a game," Zack answered, his face blank. "Erm. Yes. Game. Uh." The boy was positively red. "I... I think I'll call Angeal. Have him come spend some time with us. Maybe knock on Reno's door and tell him to be a little more quiet? Right?"

I threw my pillow at his head, but I think he got the idea.

* * *

Reno's going to be the death of me...

Fact.

* * *

**Not a bad chapter, me thinks. It's only going to get worse for Sai, because Reno really doesn't like her. Hehe. That's going to be very, very fun. Well, not for her. But, for you guys. I think Sai is whining a little bit. Anyway, fifth chapter! I'm sorry about it taken so long to get this out, anyway. **

**Please Review!**


	6. Chapter 6

Author Notes: Sorry about taking forever. Also, there's a minor time skip in this chapter—not every day will be interesting, you know. And I need to keep you entertained. And it's not that noticable.

Disclaimer: I, Strange and Intoxicating -rsa-, do not own, think I own, or will ever own Final Fantasy VII or its Compilations. I write this because I need a release from the angst. I need to giggle once in a while, too.

* * *

Day Nine Part One

The work got easier over time, I admit. My bosses, sans the puppy, had left the day before for a mission to Wutai or some other place that didn't like Shinra too much. I looked over the documents, made sure that they had their equipment sorted out and that they had enough packaged food in their bags (I was beginning to feel like a mother and they were my rude, spoiled little children going off to play camp) and a brand new box of thirty condoms. They should be safe at least, right?

"They don't like using condoms," Zack said mournfully, sitting on the corner of my desk. He had been despondent since the three First Class men had left. "They only use them when they don't want to make a big mess."

"You're telling me that it's perfectly fine to sho—uh do _that_ without condoms? You've got to be kidding me. Don't you know—diseases, infections, warts, yucky crusties and fungus? You're telling me that you don't know that you should always keep your package wrapped; tie it with a bow, too." I was a little shocked at how they viewed sex. It wasn't a toy, right? I wouldn't want any guy who'd been doing the dirty with others to be shoving his wanker in me without plastic.

Zack nibbled on his lip, pensively. "We don't get those things."

I lifted my hand from the keyboard, reaching over to him.

_Slap._

"Don't be retarded. Don't you see the commercials? They say you can spread just about _anything _through sex."

"But they're clean, I swear!" Zack yelled, and several other SOLDIERs looked up from their activities, only to look away when they realized who exactly was the source of the noise. Zack rubbed at his head, now discreetly saying, "Mako makes everything okay, you know?"

I rubbed my sore hand (the boy had a head as thick as brick, I swear!) before rubbing my eyes exhaustedly. "Whatever you say, brat. But, don't look so gloomy. It's a short mission—I should know, I had to go through and read it all."

Holy was there a lot of BS with Shinra and their missions. I had never had to read so many pointless mumbo-jumbo in my entire _life_. I thought my mom's classes were bad—I should have just taken a peak at any secretary and known that they were getting the short end of the straw. Screw that—not just one straw, but all of the bendie straws in the _galaxy_. I only understood a third of what we written, and even then it was only a bare minimum of understanding. What was the point in making me read them? Was I supposed to check anything other than the first page and then let them run off into the wilderness?

"They'll be back in a week," I told the boy, who only pouted more. "It's just a week. I'm sure you can survive without them for that long. And you're going on a mission today, anyway." I had signed the papers and told him about it... I think.

"Where to, again?"

"Uhhhhh." I smacked my keyboard with my wrist before reaching with the other hand down into the nearby open file cabinet. I leaned forward a little. "Damn, that hurt," I muttered before tossing the file at Zack. "Wherever it says you're going. Just sign the thing and give it back to me."

I had been a little too busy avoiding a certain Turk as of late, and hadn't been getting a lot of shut-eye. Not to mention the girls (and boys) he brought home with him were all screamers. Holy, did they scream. I could be taking a shower with the water on full blast and still hear them going at it like dogs. So, I guess, even though I shouldn't have, I had been slacking a little on my work.

Not a good idea when Zack, or any SOLDIER for that matter, were going on missions.

I was sort of lucky I learned early.

Just not early enough.

* * *

"Hand me a pen!" Zack yelled as he finished the file, a wide smile covering his face. He looked like he had won a moogle at the Gold Saucer. "Pen! Pen!"

I grumbled and looked at him. "You've got to be kidding me. There's a bunch of pens right next to you. Just take one, already." I gestured to the mug that held all of my pens and pencils. "It's not going to kill you to grab one yourself."

"I know," Zack said cheerfully. It was a rather quick change from sullen to screechingly happy. The boy probably had more mental issues than Sephiroth.

"Huh, what'd ya say?" Zack asked, and I winced. "Seph only takes the medicine because Angeal says he gets violent without it. I remember once, when we were 'playing' in the make-shift woods near the compound. He actually broke a tree—the entire trunk!--before laying me down on the stump and putting his--"

I quickly covered my ears. "Nananananadododanena!" I yelled out, trying to cover up Zack's chatter. Too much information—there was always too much information.

The boy laughed and grabbed the pen, jotting something down on the paper. I only removed my hands when Zack stopped chattering.

"What're you so happy about, anyway, bi-polar boy?"

"We're going chocobo-hunting!"

"Chocobo hunting? But isn't that ille—what do you mean, 'we?'"

Zack tossed the file over his shoulder and grabbed my shoulder, pulling me up like a rag-doll before bouncing us over to the stairway. "Chocobo-hunting! Genesis always leaves me fun little 'missions' when he's gone to keep myself occupied. We now just have to find the chocobo and I'll be a-okay!"

Oh, Shiva and Bahamut's babies, why me? "Don't be silly--where would we find chocobos in the city? Zack, it's not possible. And anyway, I'm not going anywhere. If you don't remember, I'm the fucking secretary, not a SOLDIER. And it doesn't really seem to be a SOLDIER-y mission, does it?" I spouted off, hoping that it would maybe knock a morsel of smarts into Zack, but he just shook his mane of raven locks, smiling wider.

"You're never going to get used to this place if you keep acting like that," he said seriously, grabbing my hand. "We're going to have some fun--that's why Genesis left it for me. It's not a real mission; I can't go on missions alone right now. They said it was something about one of the missions I did a few months ago. Apparently a _lot_ of people don't like me..." He sounded sad at that. Sure, he was annoying, but no one shouldn't like him.

"What kind of mission?" I asked.

"Oh, not much. I got to blow stuff up... it's just..." A small frown crossed his face. "It didn't go exactly right and I killed a snake. I swear I didn't mean to! It was just there, and then _BAM_ it was splattered all over the ground in teeny tiny pieces. How was I supposed to know that Wutaians worshiped it--it was just a garter, it was a little bigger, and had a tail and some really cool, shiny fins. But still--snake!"

"You killed... Leviathan?"

"Something like that, yeah. But it was a snake that, weirdly enough, came out of a summons. Ever since, Angeal hasn't let me go on a mission alone. I think that he's being a little to anal about it, because I won't do it ever again, and he can't keep me locked up here, and I'm going to be a SOLDIER First Class soon, and a snake that's dead won't matter, right? Right, right, right?"

The Wutaian people worship Leviathan as their Goddess. And Zack had swung his sword around during a mission and whacked it off.

Wow.

"You've got to be kidding me. I'm stuck with _this?_" I whimpered as Zack dragged me into the elevator, my heels leaving their smudges against the rug.

* * *

**Chocobo-hunting in the next chapter! Woohoo! **

**Please Review!**


	7. Chapter 7

Author Notes: Okay... So it took me almost two years to update, but when I said that I'd update, I really meant it! See, I don't abandon things, not completely anyway. I kind of fail at keeping a normal schedule, however. I hope you guys forgive me. Thanks for sticking by me, and I hope you enjoy the new chapter. Chocobo hunting!

Disclaimer: I, Strange and Intoxicating -rsa-, do not own, think I own, or will ever own Final Fantasy VII or its Compilations. I write this because I need a release from the angst. I need to giggle once in a while, too.

* * *

Day Nine Part Two

Chocobo hunting was nothing quite like I had first through it was going to be. I had thought that Genesis sent his little love-muffin on a trip through Midgar in hopes of finding a chocobo with feathers and little clawed feet, but for some reason, Zack didn't think so. Then again, this was the same boy who thought killing a Wutaian Goddess was a good thing, so... it wasn't really saying much at all.

At least, it wasn't real chocobos.

I like chocobos—they're sweet, kind, innocent creatures that only occasionally want to pick out your eyeballs and eat them for dessert—kind of like my boss, if I had anything to go by. But, they were fiercely protective of their young, and fast. Holy, were they fast.

Which is probably why they gave Cloud that nickname.

And, from what Zack told me (though I really, really tried to block out the words coming from his mouth like a good little secretary) Cloud didn't really buck people off, unless he was really angry.

Too much information.

The grunt was blond, blue-eyed, and looked to be about 14. When I got back to my desk, I was going to pull up the file on the boy, because no one who said they were sixteen had that much innocence dripping off them, like greasy meat. Oh, like greasy man-meat that my bosses were probably-

I cut off my thoughts, going red in the cheeks.

Poor kid... at least it was with him consenting?

"Huh? What'd you say?" Cloud asked when he turned to look at me, confusion in his eyes. "Consenting about what, exactly?"

"Just ignore her," Zack faux-whispered to Cloud, his hand the only barrier between the sound. Didn't even try to be quiet, did he? "She's weird... cool, but really weird."

I glared at Zack, whose only response was to swallow uncomfortably. "I'm Sai, the new SOLDIER secretary."

Cloud's eyes opened in awe. "So, that means you know the SOLDIERs?" He asked, with big blue eyes staring right into my soul... it was kind of uncomfortable, actually. He was the definition for a Shouta-boy. "You work with them... I wanna be a SOLDIER, just like Zack," Cloud said as he avoided Zack's hand reaching up to try and grab his hair for a noogie. "I'' get there eventually—hope you stick around for long enough to see me get there. From what I know about SOLDIER secretaries, they don't stay for very long."

"Too bad that he's got more of a chance becoming a Turk than a SOLDIER. But I've got hopes for him, big hopes!" Zack laughed and grabbed Cloud by the side, hoisting him over his shoulder. This was ridiculous.

"I'll become a SOLDIER, Zack. Just watch! Now, wet me down, Zack. I've gotta go to training—if I don't get there, Calk will kill me. You know he's already got it out for my head, and the last thing I want is to piss him off any further."

Zack whined, but I agreed with Shouta-Bait.

"Let him go—you've had your fun, and now we know where Shou—CLoud is, so you can come back down and bother the kid on his own time."

"But the grunts _never_ have free time!" Zack put Cloud down, but did not release his hand from his grip. "I can sign him out of class for a day-"

"Gaia no!" Cloud grumbled, trying to pull his arm away from Zack, who wouldn't budge. "How do you think I'm supposed to get strong enough to pass the exams if you keep bailing me out f classes?"

"But Angeal..."

I scoffed. "Angeal never let you bail out of classes!" I said, tapping my foot on the ground. That's one thing I knew about Angeal—he wants Zack to succeed on his own. "In fact, I know from your charts that he stuck you in remedial materia training for six months because you kept blowing up your assigned Fires."

Cloud took this as vindication. "See, Angeal didn't do it to you, and you're not going to do it to me! One day, I'm going to be on equal footing to you and-"

Zack smiled and in a sing-song voice said, "Seee~phiroth!"

For the first time, I think I saw the boy blush. He dug his shoe into the scuffed metal. "You've got no idea what you're talking about," Cloud said, but his words were very forced.

"You looo~ve Sephiroth. Gotta cruuuu~sh on him, don't you?"

Aw, the Shouta-Bait has a crush on Sephiroth.

"She's doing it again," Cloud said, before nudging me. "What's Shouta-Bait?"

"I think it's your new nickname, Cloud!" Zack laughed, "But I think 'Sephy's Darling' would work just as well."

"I don't have a thing for your boyfriend," Cloud said, ears red. "Now, I'm gunna go off to class and work hard, so I can become a SOLDIER and be strong like you are. Now, if you'll excuse me," Cloud rushed off, Zack following a few feet before turning around and pouting at me.

Like I can do anything about it. _Really._

"But I didn't get the picture I needed! Genesis won't let me go until I've got that picture..."

"What kind of picture?" I wasn't going to get involved in any freaky-kinky pictures with Shouta-Bait.

"Well, Genesis left me a pair of chocobo pajamas... I need to get a picture of Cloud wearing them!"

Oh, great.

Genesis was a pedophile.

"Are they footsies, too?" I asked, sarcastically.

Zack nodded.

"Damn it. Next time, just... just don't answer any of my questions. Will save me a lot of brain-rot."

* * *

I hope I get another chapter out to you guys before a year and a half passes... sorry! I hope you found it funny, though.

**Please Review!**


	8. Chapter 8

Author Notes: I like updating things! I remember there was something I mentioned at the beginning about Sai not getting any action. As of now, she won't be getting any, but she may end up... well, having girly feelings about people. And I don't know why, but that's how the story wants to come and that's just how I'm going to have to write it. Frankly, I've got crap experience with guys, so it's mostly going to be major fails on her part.

Disclaimer: I, Strange and Intoxicating -rsa-, do not own, think I own, or will ever own Final Fantasy VII or its Compilations. I write this because I need a release from the angst. I need to giggle once in a while, too.

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Day 10 Part 1

Reno is an obnoxious little fuck.

Perhaps it's my bad luck that the Turk wanted me dead (or at least in a lot of pain) but it didn't change the fact that since I moved in, I had gotten almost no sleep, last night being no exception.

Reno had this way of making the sounds of whoever he was screwing amplify through my walls. For a while I wondered if it was the position of his bed being directly against my living room and bedroom wall. Then came the thought of materia, of spells he could be performing to maximize the sound to try and get my to jump out of my window. It was so loud at all hours of the night, the day, even in the middle of the afternoon. I even contemplated that maybe it wasn't that he was horny; maybe he had porn and was blaring it through loud speakers... but unless all the stuff he had involved actors named "Reno" I didn't have too much evidence backing that one up.

There was absolutely nothing I could do about the sound until I figured out exactly how it was getting into my apartment...

"Maybe I should ask Sephiroth to help," I mused out loud as I pulled my hair up into a ponytail. Sephiroth scared me crapless... maybe he could do the same to Reno? Then again... there was probably more of a chance that he'd be doing the boning, despite how much Sephiroth seemed to despise the ever-loving crap out of Reno. There just _had_ to be something in his magical penis that made so many people come over—there just had to be.

Maybe I could spike his water with viagra... like I'd learned that giving the puppy some of my own adderall (used during my college years for cramming in a haze of panic for my finals) sent him straight to sleep. If I did that, it very well could have made Reno's penis sleep for a few hours to give myself a break from his loud companions.

Or it could have made him even more horny, making things so much worse.

I nearly stabbed myself in the eye with the mascara wand, giving up halfway through one eye. It wasn't even worth finishing up my makeup.

"Ugh," I said as I threw the mascara across my bathroom and turned off the lights, nearly tripping on a pile of clothes building up in the corner of my room.

They were still going at it.

Shiva, help me soon... or I might go completely insane.

* * *

Despite the First Class SOLDIER's being off on a mission, I was still expected to be in the office at 6:30 sharp. Sephiroth said it had something to do with perfecting my schedule, but I thought it had more to do with torturing me from wherever he was doing his mission thingy. Not even the most hard-ass SOLDIERs showed up until 8. Zack didn't even deign me with his oh-so lovable presence until nearly 10. It was like every SOLDIER thought my plight was amusing.

I laid my head on the desk and set the clock on my computer to go off in an hour. A nap where no Turk was boning anything seemed like such a good thing. The hard wood against my cheek didn't even bother me—who needed a pillow, anyway? Someone who was used to getting sleep whenever they wanted, that's who.

My work phone was plugged in, just in case one of the SOLDIERs needed me, but I didn't expect a phone call or even someone knocking on the door for almost two hours.

As I closed my eyes, I could only think about how different my life was now than it had been a few weeks prior. Everything changed so suddenly it was a lightning spell to the brain. I hadn't even called my mother yet to tell her I'd gotten a job at Shinra...

Would she be proud of me? It wasn't perfect, but they set me up in an apartment (minus Reno, it probably would have been an amazing place to live) and a rather interesting job, if anything. Zsure, I'd only been working for a little over a week, but it seemed like I was slowly getting used to being bossed around by a bunch of SOLDIERs, running their paperwork, making them eat their greens. Secretary—they may as well called me the underpaid babysitter.

My breathing slowed and I felt the familiar pull of sleep, and allowed myself to get the first bit of sleep I'd had in days.

It was nice.

* * *

"-left for a minute and asked me to man her desk until she returned... Yes, sir... Your papers are right here... no, I can do it. It's not sensitive information, sir... Miss Matenson said that she'd only be a few minutes... I understand, sir. She should be back in a few minutes..."

I heard a click and a hand gently nudge my shoulder. Was I still asleep? Maybe if I just kept my eyes closed it would go away.

"Miss Matenson," a voice whispered and I was nudged again. "Miss Matenson."

"'ew more min', mommy," I whispered, "no class 'til 'ater."

The voice laughed quietly. "Miss Matenson, I'm not your mother."

I blinked a little and tried to lift my head off the desk, but it was effectively glued to the wood. Slowly my eyes fluttered open and the first thing I saw was mako eyes.

I yanked my face off the table (feeling my skin screaming as I did so) and my body jerked backward, the chair sliding away from the face of the SOLDIER who woke me. I knocked a helmet off my desk, one that I was damn sure didn't belong to me.

"Shit!" I screamed, slapping my hand over my mouth. I got caught... now I wasn't going to have a damn job to call my mother about...

The SOLDIER laughed. "It's okay, it's okay!" he said, waving his hands at me, though that only served to scare me further. Why would a SOLDIER fling his arms around like that? He could kill someone, damn it!

"Er," the SOLDIER said as he looked at his hands, which stopped midway through a wave. "Zack was right about you spouting off random things." He slowly lowered his hands, though the mirth had yet to leave his face.

I wanted to bash my head on the desk so much... I could almost feel the bump forming before being made. Why me? It's always me...

"I don't think you're going to get fired," the SOLDIER said, and I looked blearily in his brown mako eyes. It was weird; I was so used to the silver, blue, green, violet, and even an occasional red... but brown? I didn't even think that SOLDIERs could _have _brown eyes. It was just so... _normal._ Coupled with a more conventional military haircut he was probably the most...

"You okay?" he said and I blinked, confused.

"Huh?"

The guy frowned, "You look like you're going to be sick."

He was _good looking. _Not the same as Sephiroth (as in the unatainable kind) or Cloud (as in the pedo-bear kind) or even Genesis (as in the obviously doing boys in the back seat of his car kind) but the kind that _I _thought was good looking.

Oh sweet baby chocobo, kill me now.

"Miss Matenson?"

"Sai," I told him as I wiped my mouth, just in case I started drooling. "Just Sai."

The SOLDIER nodded. "Okay, Just Sai. Sephiroth is going to be calling back in a few minutes for some report. I told him you left for a second. You can be more specific; he knows when I lie outright,"at this the man smiled. "Gotta love the General. Can read through you like a pane of glass."

At that the SOLDIER picked up his helmet and put it back on his head before waving me goodbye.

And stupidly, I didn't even ask what his name was.

It wouldn't be that big of a deal, I thought... who keeps their helmets on all the time?

* * *

It was only after that meeting that I remembered I didn't even finish my makeup... and had a big red welt on my cheek.

My luck... there were no words for how much it sucked.

* * *

**Three guesses as to who our little Sai thinks is cuuuuuuuu~te. Poor girl...**

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